Raising Confident Kids
We know that in a society that’s becoming increasingly stressful, we must raise confident and resilient children. But how do we begin? With a topic that can feel so overwhelming, we look to experts for guidance. We’re lucky to have two powerful pros right here on the North Fork: Psychotherapist, August Thilberg, who has been practicing since 2018 and specializes in children and adolescents, as well as post-partum and prenatal mood disorders and trauma in women, and Stephanie Pincar Coleman, a Licensed Master Social Worker who is currently a local elementary school social worker. Both women weigh in with their expertise on raising confident and resilient children in this Petite Institute feature.
Why is building confidence in kids important?
August: Confidence is a fundamental trait for mental well-being, resilience, and future success. With higher levels of confidence, children statistically have higher levels of self-esteem, which correlates to lower levels of reported anxiety and mental health-related concerns. Confidence also aids in a child’s tendency to express themselves, which creates stronger bonds and relationships, and overall a stronger sense of self.
Stephanie: Building confidence is a huge component in everyone’s life, but especially kids. A child’s self-confidence is directly related to their levels of resilience, emotional stability, and positive peer relationships. Oftentimes, when working in a therapeutic way with a child who shows signs of anxiety or depression, we have to simultaneously work on their confidence.
Why are we seeing such high levels of anxiety and depression in children?
August: Generationally, we are seeing children's levels of reported anxiety continually increase, as well as their confidence decreasing. As a clinician, I have noticed a continual decline in allowing kids to naturally fail and to experience roadblocks and barriers. In our current society, we are quick to prevent children from making mistakes with fears of them becoming upset, which does not aid in the development of resilience or confidence.
Stephanie: Different people will approach this answer in different ways, but as a social worker, I always look to society overall and the social determinants of health when analyzing mental health trends. So I have to say first, the increasing poverty levels, the decrease in funding of social support systems, and the lack of support for parents/families. Do kids know this is happening at a macro level? No. But they know when their parents are stressed about money, or missing work because they’re homesick, or when their parents are arguing more than usual. All of the items increase stress on a family, and this affects kids overall. Equally notable is the increase in social media use by kids under 16, the increase in pressure from competitive sports, and the increase in technology usage for young children. All of this combined leads to a mental health crisis.
How do we explain confidence and its importance to our children?
August: I like to talk to children about confidence in the form of a balloon. The more confident we feel, the more blown up we become, and then we can float. We are graceful. Too much air and we will pop (inflated head), and too little we can sink. We want a good balance of confidence, while also being mindful of dangerous risk.
What is the best way to approach a child with low confidence?
August: Relatability is huge. Allowing children and teens to see that you were once in their shoes, and trying to empathize with their emotions. It is important to have a level of ‘push’ and encourage them as well, but children respond better if they feel you are relatable, rather than undermining their emotions.
Stephanie: Meet them where they’re at and don’t expect to change this overnight. It takes time, conversation, and frequent reminders that they’re not alone in their feelings. I often like to incorporate books about famous people who faced adversity. When they’re ready to open up about why they don’t feel confident, they will, but don’t try to force it. The ‘why’ isn’t as important as teaching them about the amazing person they already are.
What things can parents do to help build their children’s confidence?
August: Allow them to fail. This allows them to learn that things are not always ‘easy’. We want to aid children in finding the ‘right kind of failure’ while also protecting them from danger. Failure can be a source of discovery for a child, leading to personal development and overall confidence.
Stephanie: Let the kids lead — metaphorically and figuratively. We’re a family who likes to travel, and I want my kids to be confident enough to move about the world without always being led by adults. For us, this means discussing a meet-up spot should we get separated, making sure they’ve memorized our phone numbers, and teaching them about asking safe strangers for help. A child who feels confident about not always being with their parents will learn that they are in control of their safety and feelings as well.
Also, tell your kids when you fail. Messed up a presentation? Tell them. Forgot to submit something on time? Tell them. It’s important that kids know adults aren’t perfect, and also let them know what you did next to rectify the situation.
Can siblings play in confidence-building? If so, how?
August: Children learn by example, and having siblings around them who are confident in themselves can set a great example. Also, strong social ties, whether it be in the community or within the household, play a big role in positive self-esteem and confidence.
Stephanie: Reminding each sibling of their strengths is a big deal. Maybe one shines in math and the other in reading. Or one is creative, and the other is sports inclined. Pointing out differences can help show that each person has something they’re great at.
What makes resilience so very important?
August: Resilience is simply being able to adapt in the face of adversity. Being resilient, particularly in childhood, builds confidence in oneself and decisions; increase ones competence in being able to handle different situations that come ones way; increases feelings of connection which gives children a solid sense of security; builds character which gives a child a sense of right from wrong; Increases coping skills which allows a child to utilize different tools to manage stress, anxiety or other uncomfortable emotions; and allows them to develop a sense of control, which allows them to better understand the connection between action and consequence.
Stephanie: I could go on all day about resilience! It’s the ability to bounce back from adversity, and it is lacking in many children. It’s so important because resilience affects your child’s ability to react to small or large challenges or inconveniences with appropriate responses. Teaching kids to be resilient means letting them know that just because something didn’t work out this time doesn't always mean it won’t. Teaching them that tough times are temporary is key to having their emotional reactions be appropriate to the challenge.
How does confidence-building play a role in resilience?
Stephanie: If a child feels good about themself they’re less likely to have a disproportionate reaction to a small challenge. For example, if a student feels confident about themselves and their friendships, they are not going to cry or think someone isn’t their friend just because they didn’t sit together at lunch. If they’re confident, messing up in a school play is viewed as a minor, temporary setback rather than meaning they will never act again. It reframes their perception and reactions to adversity.
What is one piece of advice you'd give to parents regarding resilience and confidence?
August: Let your child experience natural failure. Allow your child to feel disappointment while offering empathy and compassion. The more they can fall and get back up, the more resilient and confident they become.
Stephanie: This one may annoy some parents, but my biggest piece of advice is to INCONVENIENCE YOUR KIDS! So here’s a synopsis: Parents today have so many things to manage — money, work, stress, current events, etc, so I know it’s hard, but we’ve got to remove the guardrails a bit. It’s okay for kids to be bored. It’s okay for kids to stand in line at a grocery store, ride in a shopping cart, or attend a sibling’s sporting event without having access to a device. I see younger kids at basketball games on tablets, riding in shopping carts at the grocery store on a parent’s phone, or in a doctor’s waiting room on a device. When we constantly give kids a handheld device, they lock in on it and miss what’s going on around them. Can the waiting room be boring? Yes. But a short wait is age-appropriate. By taking away boredom and inconvenience, we are teaching kids that they must have instant gratification/be entertained, and we’re setting them up for challenges down the line, especially in school. If they don’t have the attention span to sit in a shopping cart without a tablet, how can we expect them to sit in a class and learn to read? It means we have to do more active parenting, but we’ll all be better for it.
The biggest piece of advice I can give to any parent is this: regulate yourself before you regulate your child. If you have anxiety or low self-confidence, it’s okay. But it’s important to work on it. Kids pick up on these things, and you trying to be the best version of yourself by getting help models for kids that you don’t have to be perfect, and it’s okay to ask for help. Also, telling your kids your emotions models that it’s normal to say how you feel and also helps them identify their own feelings. When you’re overwhelmed, tell them. They may be feeling it too.